"No." That has been my answer to most requests lately. In fact, when my children ask to do even mundane things, I often find myself saying "No" before really considering the best answer. "No, you can't do the dishes." "No, you can't help me cook dinner." "No, you can't use that roll of toilet paper to make a trumpet." No. No. No.
It's partly about control. I want some semblance of control over my little world, and "No" has become one of my weapons in the familial tug-o-war. But I'm finding that I don't gain much control with my Nos. Rather, I make my kids wonder at my reasoning. More fun yet, we all get to find out we're equally stubborn in a battle of wills.
Not surprisingly my astute kids have begun to look at me with raised eye-brows when I say "No" too quickly. They have mastered expressions of sardonic skepticism that prod my conscience and make me cringe. Their expressions say, "Do you realize how unreasonable you sound?"It's funny how a five and six-year-old can make you feel immature.
One time I mentioned to our pediatrician that one of my girls was really annoying me with always wanting her own way. All he did was humorously raise his eyebrows in the same way my kids do: "Don't you want your own way, too?" He might as well have said it out loud. I shut up. One set of eyebrows told me what I needed to hear. Now my kids are driving the message home.
Wanting to have my own way -- especially to be left alone to do what I want to do when I want to do it -- is part of my nature. I set myself up for frustration because I (irrationally) want my kids to allow me the time and space to handle the issues and appointments that make up daily life. And daily life is full of mundane, boring, essential tasks that must be handled by responsible parents -- to the frustration of their attention-grabbing kids.
But even as I do my daily tasks I want my kids to know they are loved and that I enjoy their company. I live in the tension of trying to be personally available as I manage our home. Get the kids more involved, you say? Sure. I agree. But I'm still learning how to do that.
And let's face it. Some days I wake up feisty and don't want to go with the flow.
I wake up with the attitude "Just because my day is dominated by my kids, doesn't mean I will let my kids dominate me. No sirree." Sure, they want me to drop whatever I'm doing to play, to referee their arguments, go with them to the bathroom, paste Band-aids on microscopic boo-boos, tear tape for art projects, etc. While I try to balance their requests and my agenda -- and often succeed -- there are some days their unpretentious requests take on a sinister edge. As the requests accumulate, everything else does, too: the stacks of dishes, the piles of laundry, the papers that need sorting, etc. And then I hear my voice saying "No!".
The "No" can come out low and growly or loud and scary. It usually means "There is NO MORE of ME to go around." I am grasping for space and perspective. It's not about the kids. Most of the time it's about me.
So I am learning to pause. To breathe. To ask: Is this an unreasonable request? Am I feeling stressed? Am I trying to accomplish too much today? Do the kids need to spend some one-on-one time with me? WHY am I saying "No"?
We are all kids inside. When pushed, we push back. When pushed for time, for a sense of control, we push back against the things that threaten to take these away. We even push away the people we love most in the world. My "No" is one way of pushing back my kids -- to protect the territory that they daily threaten to invade: my time and energy.
But we are not enemies, my kids and I. We are on the same side. And we live on common ground; we can compromise on immediate requests. I can find a way to say a "Yes" that works for everyone. I just need to have more practice. "Yes." "Yes." "Yes."
It feels really different to say "Yes." It's kind of a slippery word. I'm still experimenting with saying it with as much gusto as "No." I do hope I like the results.
No comments:
Post a Comment